you make me want to be a better person. i had heard that was the ultimate profession of love. it was a quote. it was not in those words. i think it was from a movie, but it might have been a novel. i have had girlfriends in the past, but noone has ever inspired me the way that you have.
sometimes i look back at my past, and i revel in the memories of drunkeness. girls approached during a blind talking jag, and coerced into bed. high-stepping some jocks verbal instigation, just to bed his girlfriend. He's still out looking for a fight, the testosterone and the homosexual contact, and i'm already in post-coital bliss with his girlfriend. i look at myself in those days, and i'm pleased. i'm actually proud of the things i did back then. very proud.
It might just be the time of my life that i'm in right now. but i think it's you. i see your potential... and it's unbelievable. i see what you can do. i don't want to be left behind.
i look to myself in the future. i haven't done that many times before. i actively avoid metaphorical mirrors. i'm a much better hypocrite than i am a person. i'd much rather tell you where you're going to end up, than try and get anywhere myself.
so i looked to myself in the future, and there was nothing there. i'm at the end of my own era. that's why i think it might just be my current phase of development ending that is urging to me to initiate change in my life. i'm too afraid of this being my last hurrah to continue on my well-beaten, same-old-same-old, not too bad tendencies.
just another metamorphisis
i used to be shy. very shy. i revert occasionally when i get stoned. i absorb myself. i question myself because of what i just said, before i say it.
deja vu and premonition exist because people believe,
i used to have that shy feeling all the time. i was very unsure of whether i was worth the slice of cheese pizza i ate at luch time or not. almost all of my clothes were handmedowns. it's not that my parents were poor, they were just effective with their money. no reason to buy new clothes, if previous children's clothes fit just as well, and were not completely worn out.
what is fashion?(all of my clothes are functional)
i have come to consider myself good with people. i can talk. i can usually convince people of my way of thinking. those i can't... i believe... those i can't are unable to comprehend what i am saying. too dull to be that abstract, or too abrsatract to be that logical. those that don't get it, i can appease. i can at least get away with what i want to. they won't stop me.
sometimes you bring back my shyness.... my insecurity. you're insecure yourself. i can relate.
i am egomaniacal.
i consider myself, in drunken self-admiration, the smartest person i have ever met. in actuality i know this to be untrue. but honestly, i feel it. my brother colin (who can do matricies in his head), my father (who knows, but is not fluent in, at least 5 different languages), lily (who synthesizes her own fucking drugs), even stacy (who understands my theory of universal energy better than i do).
i consider myself more intelligent than any of these people.
anyone else.
i have been putting off figuring out what to do with myself for over a decade. i didn't used to care.
as long as i was smart.
as long as i could drink and smoke.
i didn't care.
you've changed all that. you have every bit as much potential as i ever did. i see forks in the road in front of you, and they are many. they are all beautiful. you can be dedicated. you know what you love, and damned be anything that disagrees. you're fucking beautiful that way.
i can't let you surpass me.
in twenty years i imagine us both successful, running into each other, trading stories, and falling in love all over again. i'll help you fill out the divorce proceedings, help you take care of the kids. i just don't want to let you down.
let you down
that's something i never worried about with anyone else. i know you don't depend on me. i don't even think you believe you can trust me to do anything.
i will
something
believe
exist
you'll see
the qoute was from "as good as it gets" it's not the ultimate profession of love, just the greatest compliment that helen hunt's character has ever gotten. it makes it no less true when it applies to us.
Current Mood: drunken depressed/honestCurrent Music: godspeed you black emperor
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sexzibeast's journal
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